Finding Me

I am sitting here at my computer in the fourth bedroom of my youngest sisters home surround by the belongings I have traveled with since leaving Colorado in August of last year. I have been staying with friends and family. Something that I would never have done in the past. What a gift it has been to learn this lesson of receiving support and care.

Since my break up, I have had to face my inability to see emotional abuse as it is happening in an intimate relationships. I am excellent when I am in coaching mode, but put me next to a man I love and someone else shows up in my body. I accept what absolutely shouldn’t be unacceptable. Heck, I don’t even see it until I am going backwards in my own life feeling like the water is rising and I don’t know how to swim. Yes, I do see it faster but not fast enough. I lost a lot of blood last year. Too much.

It has been humbling. It has been painful. It has taken ever ounce of courage to see that relationship with unveiled eyes. To uncover how the past plays out in the present. To be willing to keep loving myself the entire time through the shame, the embarrassment, the humiliation.

I have been resting. I have been recovering. I have been journeling, meditating, reading and crying. I have seen a medical doctor, an acupuncturist, an energy healer, a chiropractor and a trauma therapist. I have put everything on the chopping block. Every belief, every philosophy, every value. I have been unraveling my life down to the thinnest string that has been keeping me alive. I have put my life on notice. Nothing is sacred. Nothing.

It has been incredible. It has been absolutely frightening. I have felt true terror for the first time in my life. More than once. Terror to be alive. Terror to die. Sheer terror being me. The responsibility. The desire. The passion. Everything.

Now, I am stretching my limbs out of the darkness and feeling the light on my skin that I couldn’t recognize a few months ago. I’ve always known it was there…like a good friend the light never leaves me. But I, at times, must leave it. To go deep. To live in the darkness. To till the soil of my soul stirring more oxygen in the earth for new growth, new energy, new seeds to bud.

Seeds are sprouting. It seems that they are sprouting exactly as I would have anticipated but somehow different. I mean, I am working on writing my fifth book which I knew I would be doing. I am visioning and planning another television show which is a ‘duh!’. So all the actions are unfolding as planned but instead of the sun casting a hue of yellow, it feels like a beacon of bright glaring white light is hitting everything I touch. Everything I see. I don’t know how things are going to grow in this new light. Heck, I don’t know if I should pull up some more weeds or just sit in the shade for a while.

I was told by a mentor of mine in December that this is my time to master how to manifest in being rather than doing. That’s what it feels like. I have taken my hands off the wheel like I’ve done a thousand times before but this time, I haven’t even gotten into the car. I am sitting on the porch sipping a peach ice tea and the postman is delivering the lastest news.

My only cost, the only requirement, to win the lottery of life is to be me. Period. Me. Pure Me. This is new territory.

Sure, I have been practicing self-loving acts towards myself. Nuturing myself more and caring deeply about my needs, wants and desires. At times, it feels so self-indulgant. Yet, what I have learned is to transcend self-indulgance I must claim my own being. Live in my own skin. Breathe my own breath. Be my own person.

I feel like the biggest cliche of all times. “To Thine Own Self Be True,” says William Shakespeare. He didn’t say be true during work hours only or when you are with your family or at the grocery store or when it’s easy. He said “to thine own self be true.” Period.

Imagine taking that to the next level of your life? Imagine ever word you say or not say you must filter through: To Thine Own Self Be True. Envision every action you take must also pass through that filter. Sit down for a moment and just start to comprehend how radically your words might alter or your actions might change if your only filter, the only one you use, is: To Thine Own Self Be True.

Not the self that lives in fear…To Thine OWN Self Be True. OWN SELF. Own yourself. Own your skin. Own your thoughts. Own your feelings. Own your sensations. Own all of you. Own that you are you and no one else. No desire to be anyone else. You are you.

I feel completely inadequate to describe what I am experiencing. As I write I feel like a hacker on the golf course trying to get the ball in the hole but just wacking away Because for a long time I have been me. The me I could see. The me I could understand. The me I could move, motivate and inspire. I have been those me’s absolutely wonderfully.

I liked being me. Heck, I loved being me. I just had to be willing, coming from a very different place, to love me unconditionally.

What’s the funniest thing of all to me is I have no desire to go back to my old life. None. I have no desire to live the same way I did even when I know that I loved it. Key word: loved it. It doesn’t seem big enough for me now. My life seems so small when I look back at the past five years.

Now, I know technically my life wasn’t small. In truth, I was small. Too small. Too small for all of me. No more. I am taking all of me with me from now on. All my wonder, and passion and boundaries. And I am diving in….

I am making waves splashing and yelping and generally throwing myself off the deep end. That’s where I belong because that is who I am. Who’d like to join me? The water is rough on the surface but cool and gentle and free floating once you get deep in the water. See, you must go deep to find a place to rest. But to go deep, you have to endure some rough water. Not by chance, by choice. Consciously, willingly and fully.

That’s fearless living. This is my path. Will you join me?

You are worth every morsel of expansion. You are worth digging in the dirt for with your bare hands to find your soul inside the seeds planted deep in the earth. You are worth diving off the cliff just to see how it feels and hear the air whosh past your ears while your stomach is in your throat. You are worth falling in love with. You are absolutely worth it. And so am I.

I commit to happiness, to crazy silly joy and being true to myself 365 days a year. I was talking to a friend of mine last week and she was asking me what’s next in my life. My answer: I have no idea but I am going to be happy.