Connection

There is nothing better than connection.

I have not always known that. Connection can be scary because it includes words like vulnerable and intimate. When you connect, people see you or perhaps see through you. Or at least, it can feel that way.

In the almost two years I spent with Mr. Love-A-Lot, I was given a taste of motherhood, learned how to rock climb, ice climb, telemark ski, took an avalache course, was shown the outdoors as a place that was unpredictable but beautiful and fell in love with Telluride (I WILL live there someday). Oh, and don’t forget, I purchased two properties, shifted FLI to a virtual office and began working with private coaching clients again after five years on television.

Throughout the past eleven months (yes it has been eleven months since my inner quest began prodding me to unfold even more), I have become a camper, learned how to write a poem (at least a couple types), went out in the woods all by myself for six days and six nights on a Sacred Passage, stayed silent in meditation, admitted that I want to become even more adventurous (signing up for a survival course, moutaineering climb and learning all about how to read those gigantic topography maps), drove down the oregon coast and hiked under the tallest trees in the world, slept on a cot at a friends house for more nights than I ever thought possible and am learning how to accept that people love me.

In the last three months, I have felt anger, jealousy, betrayal, hurt, loneliness, joy, relief, self-loathing, possibilities, disbelief, deep sadness, excitement, hateful thoughts, peace and overwhelming gratitude. And so much more….

In the last month, my ex-husband and I have had dinner three times (no, we are not getting back together), his daughter and I have exchanged emails (she just turned 27!), supported my friend through her divorce (after 19 years of marriage), and I have told Marta the truth ever single time she asks me how I am.

This week, I spoke to six hundred people on Monday and will speak to hundreds more this upcoming weekend.

Next week, I will be in Colorado seeing Mr. Love-A-Lots daughter who I had the privilege of raising for almost two years and spending connecting time with my niece, Deena and my dear friend, Faith. I will be driving through Arizona, past Telluride though the Rockies until I hit Vail for a day before I move on to Boulder.

And all this time…all these eleven months…through all of it…I have felt less like me than ever before yet knowing what is really happening is I am learning to reveal more of me than I have ever known how. I am learning how to connect in a whole new way. A way that is unfamiliar but refreshing, welcoming almost.

Yes, connecting to others but also to myself, to my father and the legacy left to me when he died. My same skin is still on even though it doesn’t feel like mine any more. I barely know who I was eleven months ago. I think that is good. Not that I didn’t like myself, I did. I have always been proud of who I have become. But this time, it feels different. It IS different. The me that is emerging is forcing old unconscious thoughts to drop away. Ones I didn’t even know I had. And it is all happening because I am connecting in ways and with people that I used to rationalize away…

Before I had ‘not enough time’ – ‘busy time’ – ‘family time’ – ‘nurturing time’ – ‘couple time’ – ‘me time’ – ‘work time’ – ‘giving time’ – ‘writing time’ – but little plain ol’ ‘connection time’

Connection…a word, a way of being, the path I walk with others, and myself. With no agenda, no plan, no goal.

Connect to that feeling. Connect to that intention. Connect to that hug, that smile, that embrace. Connect to those words. Connect to my heart, and head, and wholeness. Connect to my father. Connect to my mother. Connect to the pain, and anguish and forgiveness. Connect to the peace and sparks of joy. Connect to the past and future. Connect to the present. Connect to the love. Connect to myself. Connect to the truth.

My mantra for who knows how long? A lifetime perhaps. Connect.

One word that defines a path, the Fearless Path for me, right here, right now, with you. May we all connect at the deepest level our soul allows and feel it, really feel it and know that it is real.
Namaste.