After Iowa

For those of you who have been with me on my journey over the past eight months, I thank you. It has been filled with tremendous growth, awakening awarenesses and a mixture of joy and pain. Am I different? Yes and no.

I am different because my perspective has enlarged, refined and crystalized in ways unanticipated. I see the world different than I did before…better, more grand, more alive.

I am the same because I know in truth my essence is my essence is my essence. There is no changing who I am at the core of my being because in that place I am enough. I know that. Yet, my humanity is my humanity and it is from that place I am willing to work on matching my thoughts, words and deeds more and more to my essence. And that work sometimes doesn’t come in a neat and tidy package.

In the past eight months, I have experienced more profound aloneness and loneliness than ever before. I have experienced moments of hopelessness like I did back when I was 25 and at the height of my self-destructive behaviors. (The good news is I am now able to experience the feelings without getting swallowed by them or allowing them to make choices for me.) This time around I was able to be with those very difficult feelings without judgement and instead, have compassion, care and love for myself renewed and deepened. I kept on choosing myself over and over again.

It always amazes me when I move through one of these transformational times. Before ‘it’, I think I am already seeing an amazing world but yet, when I am at the end of ‘it’, the world seems even more brilliant than before. That is one reason I am always open to ‘it’. I know it will open my mind, my heart and my life in so many ways that I could never fathom.

That is what is happening now. My life is changing at warp speed and I have the privilege of watching it unfold decision by decision by decision.

I was only home 6 days in June purposely. I needed time to integrate my Sacred Passage experience and the last eight months. I visited my family. I attended the annual FLI Retreat. I fulfilled a dream by attending the University of Iowa Summer Writing Workshop.

At Iowa, I took two poetry classes. I know, I know. Never a poem left my pen until I was in the woods and now they are flowing out of me. I have been told by my coach and my instructors to create a chapbook of my poems. So stay tuned.

Until then…I would like to share one with you….

Fish Dishes

Thinking of this now,
staring at the fish dishes
I never liked, the ones
mother saved
wrapped in cream color paper.

Thinking of this now,
wishing I had never left,
cracking the catfish, perch
and sole sloughing it
off like water droplets on glass.

Thinking of this now,
flushing the salmon, blue gill
and trout. I devour carrots,
peapods and figs. The night
light on for company.

Stay Fearless my friends…stay true, stay clear, be you!